Saturday, 05 March 2022 12:51

天父的爱 林荣臻弟兄得救蒙恩见証分享(一)

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我曾寻求耶和华,他就应允我,救我脱离了一切的恐惧。凡仰望他的便有光荣,他们的脸必不蒙羞。我这困苦人呼求,耶和华便垂听,救我脱离一切患难」(诗篇三十四:四至六) 
	父亲节对我来说是一个使我情感相当复杂的日子,为何有如此感受?原因可能是我对父亲的爱认知和感受都很贫乏,甚至何谓「爱」?我亦无法表达。童年时,没有感受到的就是爱,没有看到的也都是爱,印象中整个童年都是活在惧怕和没有安全感的环境中。从小就在一所基督教圣公会办的学校就读,在学校里常常听到:「神就是爱,神是我们的天父!」那是当时的我绝不可能接受的讯息。
	我是长子,还有两个弟弟、一个妹妹和一个同父异母的弟弟。我的童年在基本上是没有任何快乐的回忆,自有记忆开始,每天的家庭生活都是争执和吵闹,很少看见家人和睦相处,反而经常为了一些没意思的小事而结怨多年,而且互不说话。我们是福州人,上一代争吵的时候,都是用福州话对骂,从很小的时候,我已经不想听和讲这种方言,觉得非常困扰。
	妈妈是个长期病患者,我不知道她患的是什么病?只知道她的双眼不能完全阖闭。在日常的生活里,我甚至不知道她是闭上眼睛,还是没有闭上眼睛。她会毫无征兆随时随地突然休克,失去知觉,有时又会突然扑倒在地上。记得有一次,妈妈在烧晚饭的时候,站立着失去知觉,手放在火水炉上燃烧着,她没有尖叫,只是没有感觉地站着,什么反应也没有,幸好伯父发觉有烧焦的气味,才知道她已经失去知觉,随后赶紧将她送去医院。对妈妈的另一个印象,就是她常常哭泣,曾多次发现她躲在洗手间里,偷偷地哭泣。印象最深刻的就是有一次,有一位员警来家访,我才知道她曾经试图在渡海小轮上跳海自杀,但是没有成功。我完全没有任何有关妈妈的笑容记忆与印象。	
	父亲给我的印象就是时常充满心事,每日放工回家的时候,我们就会相当紧张和忧虑。我只看见父亲的愁眉苦脸,知道他大部份时间都不开心。父亲生活非常节俭,很少看见他穿新衣服,所以我也没有新衣服,校服和便服一齐穿用。但却知道父亲是一个相当有责任感和非常尽责的人,但不知何故?我感受不到他的爱,只感受到他的不快乐。
	小学六年级的时候,家里发生突变,妈妈再次试图自杀而被送入医院。我非常清楚记得那天是农曆年二十八,家里正在大扫除。妈妈离开世界的那一天是农曆年初二,当爸爸接到玛丽医院的紧急来电,带我去医院的途中,我祈祷求神不要让妈妈离开,那是我第一次向我不认识的天父祈祷。当我们到达医院时,看见妈妈已经被一片白布盖着,已没有任何气息,护士对我们说:「她已经离世了。」	
	看着妈妈的遗体,我当时不知道怎样形容心中的感受,直到现在也想不起当时的感觉。我没有哭,只告诉自己神是假的,即使神是真的存在,也是个没有用的神。只感到人与人之间太多问题和怨恨,我的心中不停地问神:「为什么妈妈会离开我们几个子女?如果天父有爱,为何世间充满怨恨?」	
	在妈妈的丧礼中,长子要帮妈妈洗脸。我的个子不高,当和妈妈的遗体面对面的时候,只能用恐惧两个字形容。往后的日子,家里内的争闹也没有停止,还时常给邻舍的孩子们欺负,取笑我们说:「有爹生,没娘教!」每次经过邻舍,或碰见那些邻居孩子的时候,常常给他们耻笑和咒骂,有时甚至给他们围困,被迫听他们的辱骂。因此,经常和他们打架,内心充满很多怨恨。在学校里不愿跟同学交谈,更不愿提起自己的家事。	
	在唸中学二年级时,祖母吊颈自杀后,我们要搬迁,不能再住在原来的地方,家里的每一个人都很惶恐。因父亲要上班,最小的弟弟和妹妹要寄住在伯父家,由伯娘照顾。每次探望他们,就会听到他们给同学欺负的消息,心中对世界的怨恨不断地增加。爸爸在我读中学五年级那一年再婚,因为后母不喜欢妹妹,经常在精神上虐待妹妹。我不想居留在家中,很想逃避所有的问题。中学毕业后,我和父亲的关系跌到了冰点。	
	后来,我交了女朋友,以工作为藉口,常常故意早出晚归,不想和家人碰面。直到有一天,因病提早下班,在巴士上看见一位女学生,觉得很面善,后来才发觉她原来是自己的妹妹。我逃避得太长久了,竟然不认得自己的妹妹,便躲藏在巴士上层的座位上,不让妹妹看见自己偷偷地在哭泣。心中想起对妹妹的亏欠,罪恶感不停地涌现,开始思考我的人生,为何兄妹好像不是一家人?人生的方向是什么?做人又是为了什么呢?	
	父亲一直都有出国梦,他为我筹备和安排在纽约唐人街与陌生人进行假结婚。但我在香港已有女朋友和工作,加上与父亲的关系一向都不好,所以没有听从他的计谋。因我的不听从,加剧了父子间的决裂,我甚至想从此了断父子关系,或是离开这个充满痛苦的家庭。最后,我选择出国留学而拒绝了假结婚。	
	于是,找伯父帮忙,申请去加拿大留学,但伯父只是帮忙担保,而不提供学费及生活上的支援,所以我要自付学费和生活费,还需要找工作赚钱来供养自己。很奇妙地,我竟然顺利地得到加拿大的学生签证,但经过当地的好朋友相劝和瞭解到实际情况后,我办了美国旅游签证来美国。我来美国只有一个目的,就是拚命地工作来赚取和储蓄日后的生活费和学费。	
	一九八九年七月四日离开香港来到美国,找到售货员和中餐馆的工作。由于没有详细地瞭解情况,只是凭电影中的情节,以为在美国工作非常容易,其实没有工作签証,打工是不合法的。因为过了截止註册入学的日期,亦未能够及时储蓄到足够的金钱留学,所以便没有到加拿大读书。在偶然的机会下,发现美国纽约市大学的学费比加拿大的大学便宜很多,所以就在纽约申请读大学。	
	因为没有亲人担保,所以在美国成为了非法移民。在美国,我遇到很多困难,例如:文化差异、种族排斥等,加上在香港的女朋友决定跟我分手,她的理由是看不见我们的将来。这对我打击非常大,在遥远的异乡没有朋友,孤身一人,人生好像走到低谷,看不见出路。	
	在人生的低潮中,思绪不断浮现童年时的境况。内心挣扎和怨恨不断加剧,没有平安。在一个下雨天的黄昏,因雨势太大,所以餐厅堂食没有生意,但外卖生意相当火热。老板吩咐要帮忙送外卖,于是,在没有雨衣的情况下送外卖。当时,我被雨水淋得全身湿透,在曼哈顿百老汇大道骑着脚踏车,途中有不少的计程车擦身而过,有时还会触碰到身旁的计程车,外族司机也会用轻视的眼神向我回望。	
	脑海里的怨恨突然爆发,情绪骤然失控,口中一直责骂神。骂祂为什么要不断地打击我?在人生中不停地打击,长大后也把我放在难堪的景况。于是,我竟然闭上眼睛,疯狂地在百老汇大街骑着脚踏车横冲直撞。我要挑战神,说:「如果要取我的命,现在就来取我的命吧!」但很奇怪,竟然没有事,只是病了几天就復原了。	
	就在生病的时候,在住所发现了一张布道会的传单,布道会的日期已经过了很久。因为我不相信有神,所以凡是基督教的传单,一概不接。但是那一张传单是一位满脸笑容的少女递给我的,感觉很特别,当她双手把传单递给我的时候,感受到了她那充满感染力的笑容,和那一份真诚,很渴望地希望我接受这个邀请,所以便把传单收下没有丢掉。可是我却没有参加那个布道会,只是不经意地把这一份传单随意地放在一旁,竟然就在我生病的时候,无意中在枕头下找回这张传单,当时我心中孤寂的感觉非常强烈,所以看见那张传单,就好想去教会认识些新朋友。(未完待续)
二○二二年三月五日
 
 
 
 
 
 

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